Pro’s
Has the best laugh, hair, and style in the room
Is one of the kindest and most genuine people I have ever met
Has the best worn t-shirts for me to wear to bed
Is a really fucking good writer – what a turn-on
Is willing to put in the work without acting like I’m work
Gives generously
Supports me and my work
Thinks I’m smart and hot
Has an amazing cock – like, damn
Has pets – that’s always a good sign
Gives off major “Daddy” energy
Picks up the tab – sorry, but I like to get treated
Is artistic and likes doing art things with me
Likes my cooking
Has never gaslit me
Clearly has my back
Loves my ass – that’s a non-negotiable
Has chest hair – another non-negotiable
Loves the same music as me
Is nice to his mom
Lets me read aloud to him in the car

Con’s
Feeds his cats wet stinky food
Falls asleep during movies
Wants to fuck every day (just kidding, that’s a pro)
Takes forever to make coffee
Is an “over the roll” T.P. guy
Hasn’t done cocaine

Daddy?

If you ever invite me to spend a holiday with your family, I promise to:
Take one to two naps per day, esp if people start watching sports.
Disappear without notice when people start reminiscing.
Help with the dishes.
Play with the kids and try to sit at the kids’ table.
To just say, “it’s complicated” if anybody asks about my family, past, or tattoos.
Try to fuck you at inappropriate times in inappropriate places.

What a joy to look ahead to read into the signs of your future. So much happiness is in store for you that the most brilliantly lighted stars will be put to shame by the brightness of your life.

Ah, this is not all caused by sheer good luck. Nay, nay my friend, your perseverance, your clever ways of handling your domestic problems and your sincerity in dealing with others are pointing the way to their reward.

Some strangers will urge you to get into a gambling proposition. Avoid this, and you will be forever grateful.

“Oh happiness what an elusive thing you are< But thank God you were born beneath its star.” – Estrella

Something you should know about me: 

Sometimes when I’m having a mental block, I’ll stare off into the distance. If my gaze lands on my oft-unshaved legs when I’m really in deep, there’s a good chance I will suddenly find myself an hour into plucking each hair one by one.