60
When you’re sitting on my couch with your dog, drinking red wine, wearing my Feelin Groovy t-shirt and 32 Degrees Cool black boxer briefs, I want to fill you up with cum even though I filled you up with cum about 45 minutes ago.
59
I know we’re joking a lot about Momo Driver Maloney but I really do hope I’m pregnant because:
1. I’m ready to move into my pregnant fashion era. Like, I’m already shopping for elastic waistband joggers online.
2. Pregnant porn start titties are great for business.
3. We kind of have to have a kid. We have four pets between the two of us and I feel like we’re starting to move into “crazy cat people” territory – not that that’s a bad thing; don’t cancel me, people of the internet.
3. I need an excuse to knit lots of cute, tiny things.
4. I really feel like what’s missing in my grad program is a baby. Babies make everything better.
5. Our holiday photos would be unhinged.
6. Porn star titties.
7. Tiny clothes.
8. Momo.
58
We wrote our first collaborative story. The word “fuck” appears 20 times. The word “hot” appears five times. The word “pussy” appears three times. The words “cum” and “cock” only appear once each. I am proud of us, and feel like we need to get about 50% nastier next time.
57
I may have given you shit about your stovetop because I secretly hoped you would be the diligent researcher that you are, buy the appropriate stuff, and then let me borrow it after. Plus, I knew you would get a kick at beating me in something … anything … even if it is just stovetop cleanliness. Love you, byeeeeeee!
56
We started an exercise competition. There are apps and Apple Watches and points involved. I don’t entirely understand how it works… only that we are getting healthy and plan to live a long time because we are spinning a roulette wheel in your uterus and if we are going to repopulate the earth with progressive artist babies, they need to be raised by parents who stand up at least once every hour and get 10,000 steps and don’t vape and climb a dozen flight of stairs. We are training for parenthood and the civil war and the apocalypse. I’ve never felt so young even though it’s 38 days until my 48th birthday.
55
I loved you a lot already, but then I met your drooling, snub-tailed cat and your oversized, midnight-snacking dog-cat, and saw how much you loved them yet how little you seemed to know about how or when or where to feed them and noticed cat food overflowing onto the floor from bowls positioned on pretty much every surface in the room – including the coffee table, and your desk, and the bathroom countertop, and the cutting board on the kitchen island – and fell even more in love as I thought to myself, “He’s definitely going to have to marry me now because spouses don’t have to testify against each other and he’s gonna need me to take this shit to my grave,” and, well, there’s just nothing more sexy to a girl than job security.
54
Wait. So you’re also one of the best editors I’ve ever worked with??? *opens private web browser… googles engagement rings*
53
We haven’t oathed about the election yet. It’s been about a week and, while we’ve talked about it, we haven’t (unless you have oathed about it behind my back and I didn’t know it) oathed about it. I’m scared. Yes, abortion is legal in Oregon right now, but what about in a year? I think the only solution is to get pregnant immediately so I can get the care I need if anything goes wrong. We should also have several babies because libs aren’t producing right now and the conservative population is exponentially growing. At this rate, our party is going to disappear faster than the Boomers’ social security benefits. It’s up to us.
52
Update: it’s been pointed out to me that I used the expression “multiple children” in a previous post. I’d just like to clarify that I have recently lost touch with my ability to reason due to being extremely happy and in love, and things come out of my mouth of which I’m not entirely responsible. What I’m saying is, I’m under a spell… the pheromones have me in their clutches… I see children lately and I don’t cringe… I am being pulled into a vortex of sexy, creative fertility and I don’t want it to stop.
51
It’s so refreshing being in a relationship with someone who is super into my opinions and ideas and not just because they are dumb or don’t have any of their own. And even more refreshing that you both like my ideas and have a healthy enough ego to not feel threatened by expressing validation for my ideas. And even MORE refreshing that you are also brilliant and funny and I don’t ever have to fake with you.